Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
