I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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