get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
