Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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