If i could tip my vagina, i would.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
