literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
