Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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