the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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