God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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