I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
