my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
