Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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