Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
