Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
