I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
