haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
