fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
