I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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