I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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