at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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