I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
