just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
