I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Randomize
