My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
