My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
