You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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