dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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