i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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