Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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