I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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