Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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