I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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