And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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