The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
