If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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