My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
