I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
