Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
God, I missed his penis.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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