I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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