so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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