He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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