Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
