You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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