please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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