was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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