Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
