Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
