OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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