I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
