So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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