Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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